To articulate a personal Philosophy of Anything is daunting. If I thought I had to do that right now, there would be no blog at all. Of this I am sure: we only grow in relationship, almost no one grows in isolation. Monoculture is unnatural and chaos will reassert itself to create polyculture as fast as possible unless massive tools of physics and chemistry are used to enfore the monoculture. That's not how I want to live. To grow as a Master, I have to be in relationship with a slave *before* I have figured everything out. Screwing up is often the fastest way to learn. My Inner Perfectionist is seriously not down with this idea, but I am a Practical and Empirical Person, and I know My Inner Perfectionist needs to suck it up. I'm far happier since I stuck the Inner Perfectionist in the trunk (old car, no safety escape button) and commenced ignoring the screams.
I do find Myself repeating certain ideas I have picked up, and sometimes a thought I contribute during a conference workshop generates positive feedback from other attendees. A surprising number of My written sentences begin, "My philosophy is..." so apparently I have one under the surface, a deep ocean current that runs in one direction at one depth and sometimes in the opposite direction deeper down. Here, then, is my pointillistic attempt at articulating The Stately Pleasure Domme's (TSPD) philosophy i.e., working hypotheses, as of this writing.
I Want My slave to Be a Mazerati
I love driving stick shift. When I bought a car six years ago, it was a great deal of extra friction to get the car I wanted with a manual transmission. Manuals are deeply unpopular here on the East Coast, the dealers said, because no one likes all that clutching during stop-and-go traffic. I was undeterred. Incidentally, I think air bags and anti-lock brakes are great features, but miss the point. If you need them, you have already screwed up. I want to avoid ever needing to deploy air bags and anti-lock brakes, and for that I need a stick shift. I'm a Dominant, I want -- what else? -- CONTROL over the car when I drive. The first time I experienced top drop, it manifested on the drive home, when the thought crossed my fuzzier-than-I-realized mind that I could just close eyes and wake up when the car reached home... I didn't have to drive the car, the car was driving me. And since I know how emphatically I enjoy drrrrrrriving that car, an important and awake part of my brain realized something must be deeply wrong just then, though I couldn't describe it and had no name for it. Together, we resisted the urge to nap.
I hate rentals with automatic transmissions; I stomp on the accelerator and count one... two... three... before I get a response. When I'm on the highway and I see some angel being angelically idiotic up ahead in a way that could take us all to Heaven in heartbeat, I want the ability to flick My wrist, throw the transmission into a lower gear, get a good hit of RPM, and zoom-zoom around that angel. It's particularly helpful when merging (which IMHO should be a tested and easily failable element of all driving road tests.) Even more incidentally, I once took a personality test and it suggested that one profession at which I would excel is Giant Crane Operator. You know, construction cranes. This is rather striking given that I am actually a paper-pushing, white collar desk worker who needs dual monitors. The test picked up on how much I enjoy achieving a state of mind-meld with machines. When I am typing on the computer, I am *IN* the computer, I am One with it. Same with the piano. And when I drive, My fingers and the stick shift become a single unit; I am the transmission. It takes only the slightest physical move of My body to effect a big change of momentum and direction by the powerful engine. And the better the car itself, the more wonderful all that is. I get where I want to go and the process of going is a delight.
I want My slave to be like that, a Mazerati.
Some people talk about Master and slave sharing the same will. That sounds nice in a cerebral kind of way. I want to be so connected and entwined with My slave, that he can read My intentions and make them happen. I want a form of magic. A flick of My hand drops a Big Guy to the floor; another flick raises him up. An arch of the eyebrow, a barely perceptible frown, causes him as My agent and by extension, the world to react. It's not merely about power or authority, it is physically, deeply pleasurable to Me.
My slave is a Razor Sharp Knife
I am also often reminded of the wisdom concerning knives. It is said that one should always use a very sharp knife in the kitchen. Using a dull knife is more dangerous because you have to fight to tool and push it harder, which increases the likelihood your hand will slip off of it, resulting in a cut. A sharp knife must be carefully targeted, but will do the work for you with far less exertion. It is important to know how to hold the knife correctly, in order to wield it well. If held badly or mis-directed, a sharp knife will make a deep and fast unintended cut. For this reason, some people prefer dull knives.
Personally, I would never have a slave who was not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I *want* those who serve Me to be highly intelligent and motivated. That being so, I as the Master need to focus on holding such a slave appropriately and directing such a slave well, and then trust the tool to work according to its nature.
I am also reminded of an interview with married movie stars Will and Jada Smith, who revealed that they have an agreement to be completely honest one another because well-intended honesty may hurt, but it is a clean cut, and clean cuts heal far better than ragged cuts. It strikes me that the damage caused by a mis-directed sharp slave, is still preferable to the ragged damage someone less competent can inflict.
I Want a Man
Yes. Not a mouse. When I was more in the D/s world, I noticed that subs routinely equated submission with passivity and weakness. It really grated on Me and it thwarted My desires on many occasions. I want a Man. I need a Man. A powerful, masculine, intelligent, muscular, robustly embodied, MALE to fall at My feet and hand it all over to Me to use and direct as I see fit. It's what forced Me to seriously consider I am a Master rather than a Domme... what I ask of the other person in the room is just far more than most people expect a submissive to give.
I believe there are a lot of men who want this. Yes, M/s came out of the gay community, and yes, there seem to be far more female slaves than male. But I chalk that up to social conditioning. I think submission to a girl -- never mind going the next universe to slave -- is about the most radical, iconoclastic thing an American male can do. Here is a core philosophy. I believe most (het) men are happiest giving themselves to a Woman to direct. I suspect they suffer from an existential uncertainty about Meaning, how they should use their capacities. Maybe they intuit that Men have done great harm in the world and they don't want to be responsible. Maybe it is that the world does not give them enough feedback that they are Good and Doing Right with their capacities. But in any case, I believe most het men are happiest when they use their capabilities to please a Woman and -- very importantly -- She allows Herself to be pleased. She tells them they have succeeded. It is hell for them to be with a Woman who does not really know what She wants and therefore cannot be pleased.
M/s is Tennis
I believe that M/ and /s co-create their dynamic constantly. One way to think of this is a tennis match. Each interaction is like the ball going back and forth, Master on one side of the net, slave on the other, each responding to the reality of the moment. If one stops engaging with the dynamic, and fails to take the expected action to bounce it back into the other's court, the exchange falls to the ground. Then somebody has to work even harder to get things moving again. If the dynamic remains dropped long enough, they cease to be two elements of a whole, and become merely two strangers in funny outfits, standing there looking at each other until one walks away.
M/s is SingingI believe that M/ and /s co-create their dynamic constantly. It reminds me of My singing lessons, when the teacher presses a hand into my abs, which must remain actively engaged in order to sustain the inner bagpipe which creates the sound. As she pushes into me while I hold the note, gradually running out of air she says, “Insist. Insist. Insist. Insist! Insist! InSIST. INSIST!” until I am completely out of air. Similarly, each time I engage with My slave and he engages with Me, we must make an active choice, must insist, on perpetuating the M/s dynamic. And the harder it is to do that, the more important it is. Sometimes I just don’t feel like pushing back on the boy when he overlooks a direction, sometimes I am tired and would rather just let a small thing slide, but in the back of the mind, I hear a whisper: insist.
M/s Is a Language
My background includes a lot of language study. I know that the spoken and written word are extremely powerful to me, and I also acutely recall the frustration of being unable to make myself understood in a foreign country where my command of the language was good enough to get around, but by no means adequate to convey the thoughts and feelings I most desperately wanted to express. I believe that the language used within the M/s dynamic is really a dialect of English. Said another way: M/s-speak is a foreign language that just happens to look like English -- and it presents newcomers with the same foreign language frustrations that non-native speakers encounter when trying to articulate something deeply important. My working hypothesis is that the /s is usually willing to obey and is doing his best, but often simply does not have the right language tools to handle his needs within the dynamic.
Moreover, there is not a single, universal form of M/s-speak. Every single relationship has its own language, which the people involved create from scratch. Sure, there might be lots of overlap with the language of other relationships, but it takes a long time and a good deal of work in *any* relationship to reach the point where accurate communication becomes an easy and reliable norm.
Once we think of communication in these terms, its goes from being a series of missteps over things that mysteriously stopped working, to being an intentional activity of constant co-creation, in which we know from the outset that the thing we are creating is very much a work in progress, and so hopefully have more patience with it and approach it with tools that will work better.
Third Person and Opportunities to Obey
I like having the slave avoid the use of "I" as much as possible. It just works for Me, and it took only a few short drills over less than a day for it to become comfortable. Even when I don't use the third person ("this slave"), I don't use his given first name, I use just his initial instead. His first name is really only used among the Nillas, and even there, tossing in use of the initial is a cue that he should take care to hear what I am saying with slave ears.
Particularly when direction is being given, use of the third person is extremely helpful in framing communication to focus on the central role of My needs and desires. It's like cropping a photograph. Taking the slave's "I" out of the picture changes how both people see matters, it crops out focus on the slave's wishes, thereby keeping Master squarely in the center of the picture. Seeing it like this points the way to different behaviour and different solutions.
Some might think it extreme, but upon taking My current slave (who is at most My second slave and possibly first, depending on definitions), I early on directed that /s must request permission to use the bathroom. This came out of conversation at the Butchmann's Experience. The idea is that /s strives for perfect obedience. There will be some lapses, of course, as he is only human. By requiring /s to ask whether it is Master's will that he do something, I am increasing the percentage of instances in which he has obeyed.
Sure, /s could ask, "Miss, may I go to the bathroom?" but even if he gets permission, he hasn't obeyed as a result. By requiring /s to say "Would Miss like Her slave to relieve himself (#1)/use the facilities (#2)?" and Me answering, "Yes, go slave.", the result is that slave successfully obeys about half a dozen times more each day than if I handled this situation differently. I read somewhere in a Nilla relationship book, that in successful relationship, there is at least a six-to-one ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions. If that is true, then this approach is an easy way to help keep a working balance.
I like to use the third person ("this slave”) which many people find awkward and I use it even to require /s to be directed to perform body functions. Again, many people find this awkward too, and I confess that for a long time it held no appeal for Me. But even seemingly tedious things can be fun, and really, I am much more interested in enjoying My boy than administering punishment. Really, M/s often is just awfully serious and I'm suspicious of M/s pairs in which laughter is absent; it makes Me think there must be way too much ego at stake.
Recently, /s was being a little lax due to fatigue late in the evening, and started peeing before he asked whether it was My wish that he do so.
(sound of tinkling) "Miss, would You like Your slave to relieve himself?"
(with a smile) "No. I do not want My slave to relieve himself."
(sound of tinkling stops)
Long pause as /s realizes he has mis-stepped, is being gently but definitely held to account, and figures out how to fix it.
"Miss, *now* would You like Your slave to relieve himself?"
(again with a smile) "Yes. *Now* he should relieve himself. Carry on!"
This was a playful interaction for us, but it also was valuable to us both to be reminded that this is a meaningful, substantive M/s dynamic, and not just some sort of fantasy embellishment on a vanilla relationship. The fact that My "no" caused him to stop a body function and wait until he had asked correctly and received direction to obey – this all pleased Me greatly and gave Me a lovely glow. It also gave him a good hit of deeply feeling owned and belonging.
The newest playful thing I have begun doing is:
M/: “Slave! Who owns your ass?!”
/s: “You do, Miss.”
(NB: Thanks to the Patrick Mulcaheys at MsC 2014)
If I meet you for the first time and you claim to be a slave, I will proceed on the assumption you are at most submissive (unless you can provide and I have successfully checked references to prior Masters). If you say you have some experience as a submissive, I will start with you as a bottom. If you say you have some experience as a bottom, I will play the first time as if you had none. I'm not going to push your limits right away; I will step you up and leave you wanting more, wanting to return. This builds trust, but it also just safer. I like My boy motivated and eager.
Dangerous numbers of people apply labels to themselves online without knowing what those labels mean in the flesh-and-blood community, never mind what they might mean to Me personally. Especially if you are a newbie, there is no way I am taking your word for it that you want to be chained to the bed while I go to work for the day. Oh, I can push your limits, never fear on that score. But I'm for damned sure not doing it until I know the terrain. When you are more experienced, you will understand that this was a bullet dodged.
Kink is Like a Four Wheel Drive
It is a great way to get stuck in places you could not otherwise reach.