In Xanadu did Kublah Khan a stately pleasure dome decree

Friday, December 18, 2015

Wisdom To Know The Difference

Six weeks ago I wrote of My anticipation before a work trip that would allow Me to spend 24 hours with My special boy john, while Chloe his Madame was away on a tropical cruise.**  It was tricky for Me to fly (carry-ons only) with colleagues to headquarters Thursday morning for a very short overnight trip, and squeeze in a kinky play date that night while we all stayed at the same hotel and travelled in a pack. I had expended political capital to take some PTO and reserve a later flight back so that john and I could have Friday together. Things were popping in the office, but My boss was gracious about respecting My plans.

I had sent a FedX of important kink toys to john to transport from his side, and he had sent Me one of the two keys to his chastity cage lock. It was a bit nerve wracking, but both packages reached their destinations in time.

I got lucky and unexpectedly My boss travelled a day early, another colleague had a family emergency, so there was only one colleague to travel with. My Uber didn't show up when I left home, and I barely made the flight after being pulled aside so that TSA could decide for itself that the lavender bath salts john would be using in My pamper session were not actually explosives. So far so good.

I had extensively war-gamed the hotel check-in process, trying to figure out how to get a room both away from the colleagues and at the end of a hall to minimize the likelihood of a kinky-noises complaint. I knew I couldn't put a note into the corporate travel system and I didn't trust a call to the concierge to be handled discretely, just as a I didn't dare FedX the box to the hotel. It was all very stealthy. I had made it a point to graciously invite My colleague to precede Me through doors as we worked our way across the country, so that when we reached the hotel check-in, she was accustomed to Me waving her on... so I could hang back and scope out the situation.

The fates were with Me. She went to the left end of a long counter in a very open atrium where voices don't carry. I beelined to the extreme opposite end and in the process, caught the eye of a sweet young, seemingly gay man behind the counter who I felt would be the most sympathetic to My impeding request. As I caught his eye, I slightly waved him to the far end of the counter and asked if he would be available to help Me with a special request. He tripped on the carpet and said yes at the same time. With one eye discretely on My colleague just out of earshot, I quickly leaned in conspiratorially and said:

"That lady with the red hair is My work colleague. I like her very much but I need you to very discretely give Me a room as far away from her as possible and ideally at the end of the hall. Because I have a Life."

The young man readily caught My drift and played along, "You and me both, Sister!"

"Wonderful. Thank you so *very* much!  This is the name of My boss who has already checked in," I said as I discretely and quickly slid a piece of paper over the counter to him, "I need you to keep Me away from him to. And don't let My colleague know where the room is."  I smiled winningly.

The young man was clearly enjoying this. I was pleased and relieved that My past experience with gay men responding supportively to a Female Dominant was holding true. He asked several follow up questions about room location and I let him know My activities might be both loud and somewhat unusual, and I would just hate to disturb other guests in any way. This took his engagement in the conspiracy to a much higher level.

When it was all over, I had a room six floors above any colleague, in a laughably isolated location in the oddly shaped building. You literally could not get any further from the elevators. It was also a major upgrade.  Half of a suite, the other half unoccupied. I was actually behind two key controlled doors and had My own sliding door leading to a furnished patio overlooking the river.  It was fantastic.  I wanted so much to do Terrible Things to john out there.

All the logistical complications I had  foreseen continued to work themselves out, in that magical way One can never summon on command. The work meeting ran on time. The work dinner gathering was close to the hotel so john could easily converge with Me. The work dinner broke up early and transport was fast, so I had nearly the whole evening free.

There was only one teensy-weensy glitch in this otherwise perfect unfolding. john never made it.

He had mentioned pain several days previously and I had recommended he see a doctor about it. But Madame was out of the country, john was locked in chastity, and he didn't want to non-consensually expose vanilla medical staff to his chastity device, so he waited. But by the morning of My departure, he was in extremis. While I could not speak for Madame, I said that if he were Mine, I would want him to break chastity and seek help for what had clearly become a medically emergent condition.  And that is what he did. 

So as I spent the night in My posh, kink-friendly hotel room gazing out at the river across My 12th floor hotel patio, john was home recuperating in painkiller la-la land.

Last week I posted about My excitement over a new boy, wonderful in every way I could identify after a month of correspondence and three dates. This week that boy has vanished, as the enthusiastic, long-pent-up ones so often do. It is another case of everything great, except for just that one little thing in the showing-up department.

I wasn't thrilled in either case. I hate when I invest significant time and energy in an undertaking, really get My hopes up good, and it doesn't come to fruition. I just hate being disappointed.  But it happens sometimes. Interestingly, I handle it better now that I am a Dominant.  Being in the lifestyle gives us a vocabulary for control and gives us people and situations that invite, even necessitate, explicit talk about control and power. Being kinky makes power visible in My life, it gives Me X-ray vision to see it.  And as a result, I have a much clearer sense now about what is in My control and what isn't.  And though genuinely disappointed, I handle the disappointments better because I know now when to let go. Knowing how to have total control when I want it frees Me from reflexively wanting it and unthinkingly clinging to it.  It comes back to the serenity prayer. Being Dominantly kinky has given Me much more of "the Wisdom to know the difference."

Sweet john felt absolutely terrible about the necessity of cancelling, of course, and I found Myself in an unfamiliar city alone on a blustery Friday. It was a dear thing that he provided tour organizer service for Me, researching on the fly, figuring out what it made sense to do with the time and the logistics of navigating city, baggage, and airport departure. My dear boy couldn't be with Me in body, but I felt close to him nonetheless as I toured the historic district, sharing updates with him along the way, knowing he had walked the same route himself. A week later, the FedX of toys was back in My hands having never been opened. And the chastity key I had been wearing remains here, where it joins the small pile of other john momentoes, mostly short pieces of rattan that have broken off the canes he has made and I have used to whip him.

Perhaps one day, that story will be told.

** Chloe has mentioned planning for this play date in Her blog, and all arrangements were made with Her generous consent and blessing.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015


All this garden talk is functioning as a form of self-distraction from My excitement at having met a new boy. It is early days for him individually, as well as for U/us as a pair, but I'm feeling some unexpected and different feels about the new start this time around.

I love New Relationship Energy (NRE), truly I do, but it's like an angora sweater for Me. NRE both feels wonderful and makes Me antsy-itchy, unable to block out the sensations. Patience is not necessarily My long suit, and getting to know someone new is absolutely a process that takes time... particularly when there are children, a new job, and it's the holidays. That he seems to feel similarly impatient makes Me feel wonderful, but doesn't make the itchy go away. NRE has a certain hungry, devouring quality to it, a desire to just be voracious about the deliciousness until desire is satiated. It's annoying.  Fantastically wonderful, precisely what I want, and simultaneously also really fscking unbearably *annoying* at the same time.

I feel like a five year old demanding My toy be returned.  NOW!!  I'm not entirely comfortable with that on some level. I like to think I'm a level-headed, reasonable person. Something about NRE feels deeply unreasonable.  Primal. And let's be honest, it's sufficiently early days that I am still trying to make a good impression, to build a base of trust. It isn't prudent to let the voracious Beast be seen yet.  It's enough that the rattling of Beast chains can be faintly heard from a comfortable distance.

Come closer, little boy. Nothing's going to hurt you.

The boy is on work travel right now, and I had him text Me a photo of him kneeling in a far away hotel room, to please Me fundamentally, and to give us both a feeling of connection. The first photo he sent had a look of deep intensity and concentration on his face. I had him take a second - smiling - and I'm enjoying flipping back and forth between them.  It's a kind of emotional parallax, for he is, of course, fully and completely himself in both.

Last spring, I gave up on one of the portals where I had a profile, then in August, I posted a new non-profile there... a summary of the things I find Myself saying to all the boys I meet online who aren't sound prospects. The profile of Me turned into The World According to Me. I figured by not trying to attract, I would discourage the many, and only a few worthies would surmount the hurdle.  I even specified they must read and report on a specific book before I would proceed with them.  This new boy is one of only three thus far to read the book, and the only one to submit a typed and thoughtful book report. It's become clear he has been watching Me for a while online, he has remarked upon the changes in the changed profile and he has remarked upon photos posted to another portal which were later removed. I'm glad he has been very deliberate and I'm glad he has taken the time to reflect on My writing for a number of months.  I wanted an earnest prospect, and I have one.  I am pleased.

I've had him do a little service for Me already, some schlepping, some vacuuming and sweeping.  It's much more fun than usual, because he is motivated and he is FAST.  It's like the scene in Mary Poppins where the nursery cleans itself while Mary sings. It's that feeling of driving a sportscar I have written about.  The concept of boy as force multiplier appeals to him, and he had said he believes I am worthy of having My force multiplied.

If Santa leaves nothing under the tree for Me, but the new boy pans out, I will have gotten everything I wanted for Christmas.

In the past, I might not have written that. I might have been afraid to jinx it.  But living out loud is working for Me, and I'm not going back.

Kiss My Two Lips

The riotous tulip bulb acquisition process went to the next level today at the garden center. Stopped by to get a wreath and wandered pleasurably among the holiday tents until coming to a screeching halt in a tent filled entirely with infinite varieties of tulips bulbs. Lovely, unusual things with fringe, peony-like petals, multiple colors, interesting shapes.  They say that every gardener with 10 feet wants 10 acres, and it's absolutely true that the longer I am at My beloved Better Home and Garden and Dungeon, the more I yearn for more land.  It makes Me crazy that the neighbor has four times the yard and wants nothing but grass! With another 25 bulbs in the equation, the need for hardware cloth to avoid squirrel scavenging is now acute. Then again, wouldn't it be a beautiful extravagance to force a few of these glorious bulbs at a time, all through the winter?

The amaryllis bulb has survived shock and sent up a strong shoot. I'm babying it with trips to the sunshine, and so doing has Me lusting after a bay window in the living room.  Definitely on the nice-to-have list, below the must-have: two west-facing upstairs windows that actually close properly.

It was a pleasure to hang from the front door My new holiday swag wreath of conifers, accented with boxwood and some berries. The plan is to visit My wreath lady at market on Saturday morning and acquire the main wreath of conifer and magnolia, so the swag can hang inside and give Me fragrance.  I confess to persistent illicit fantasies of skulking about the jurisdiction at midnight, snips in hand, swiping sprigs of holly and other desirable decoratives.  I rely upon the Saturday market to keep Me an honest Woman.