What I noticed after the shock wore off and the Woo-HOOO! moments passed, was how very like orgasm it felt. Obviously there's an endorphin pleasure rush but what felt orgasmic was the sensation of sweet lassitude. The wow-I-need-a-cigarette-whilst-reclining-in-bed feeling. I didn't realize how much tension I was carrying around due to the annual review process until it unexpectedly released and I felt all safe and floaty and noodley.
I've been doing a specialized kind of yoga for injury recovery, and it has been fascinating. I'm just finishing taking the same class for the third time and I will keep repeating it until the instructor feels we understand My injury well enough for Me to be ok at the next level. That may take a while, for both of us. It has been fascinating to notice as I develop new awareness in My body. In one exercise we work with the four corners of the felt: inner heel, outer heel, inner ball of the foot, outer ball of the foot. Now, activate both inners. Now activate both outers. Now activate the inner heel and outer ball, then the outer heel and inner ball.
The first two class series, when we got to this part, I had absolutely no idea how to do what was being asked in the inner + outer combo. And then suddenly, quite amazingly, last week when I did it in the third series, I somehow understood, had a sense in My body of how to do it. Similarly, I suddenly have an idea now of how to control My big toe independent of My other toes. And when re-learning how to bend over, I suddenly this third time have more sense of how to be in My lower body, be in My feet, to use My lower body to straighten up in a way that does not engage My back at all.
It's so bizarre.
It has all *been there* the whole time in My body, but I couldn't find it. I wonder what else there could be, awaiting discovery. Maybe some really great hot sexy stuff!
I bought that plaque that reads Less House More Home. And I feel that suddenly this blog has been a slow meditation working My way first, from My apartment into My house, but then further, without realizing it, from My real estate home into My ultimate home, into My body. In a weird way, moving more fully into My house has helped Me move more fully into My body.
I told j recently that I want to be more sexually selfish next time we are together. I put him on notice that things will be a bit different. Reading the books Come As You Are and also The Body Keeps the Score have helped Me understand some things about what I need to locate an erotic headspace and to recognize that it can be easy for Me to snap out of it. Most of My life it was just a thing that happened to Me, a mood or whim. I felt sexy or I didn't. I was horny or I wasn't. Now I have the concept that I might simultaneously have one foot on the gas and one on the brake... and if I can just release the brake, ZOOM! Also now I have the idea that there may be eroticism in My body, maybe I just don't realize it is there.
I have new tools in the last year, tools that can make this a matter of choice and agency rather than a fleeting in-the-mood. It is time to start using them. Yet I find Myself somehow reluctant. boy t is always eager and willing to serve in this way, yet I do not use him. j is always up for anything, and arguably is emotionally safer since I have known him longer, yet I do not use him in this way either. Why? Maybe I don't want to have to be so high agency about it. Maybe I'm really attached to the fantasy of what Erica Jong in Fear of Flying called the zipless fuck. Maybe on some level I don't want take responsibility for My sexuality. Maybe it has something to do with fear or being vulnerable enough to be disappointed or exposed to conflict. It's something I will be pondering a lot as I make the 130 mile round trip, weekly drive to physical therapy.
I found a nice gay PT who has mad skills but being gay, I feel saying that one of the things I *really* want to get out of PT is being able to do a several pick up flogging scenes in an evening at the dungeon. I need to talk about and work on My wrists and back and flogging body mechanics. I have wanted to bring all of Me to a PT not just the vanilla bits and I finally found that person. I brought in My floggers so he could assess them and Me. When I mentioned that I'm starting to notice certain intimate sensations, he knew about pelvic fascia issues that could be involved in My injury. I noticed recently that to support good back alignment, I tend to clench the underside of My ass and half engage the Pussy. Now that I'm aware, I play with releasing those muscles and find releasing them causes a totally different set of muscles to be recruited, with inferior results. That's not easy to say, even for Me, and I'm pretty candid. If I'm going to bring up the observation that sitting with proper back alignment creates a moderate tearing sensation around My asshole, it's somehow just easier to say that to a smiling gay man who gives off bottom vibes. Perhaps that is horrible of Me somehow, but I have to do what I need to do to heal, and that means choosing care providers I can feel comfortable with... not just the easy vanilla parts but the wow, here's-all-the-cards parts of Me. I have had several forms of pelvic trauma and I know I have been not fully honest with Myself about how they might be affecting Me. It was hard to be that honest when I was at a loss for how I might fix it. But now that I have a good care provider, it's all-in honesty time.
Maybe if I get in the habit of being that vulnerable and honest with the PT about what I feel in My body, leading to other resources and answers, maybe I will get braver with other people. I would like that.