Smelly Feet

Unkey’s house was hosting a MUNCH, and he invited us to GO.  

It’s a group I’ve wanted to connect with, but they often meet a prohibitive distance away.  On the day, I couldn’t seem to get Princess off the dime, and I was having some trouble figuring out why.  It seemed to be something to do with being in a big, unstructured group around Unkey.  When I’m near Unkey, Princess comes to the forefront in me, but that doesn’t mean he is feeling Unkey-ish.  I know it takes him a bit of effort to tap into that for me;  this began as him service topping me and I am careful to remember that reality.  He is growing into the dynamic with me, but it’s a stretch, and I don’t want to push us. I rein Princess in when it seems necessary.

So I suspect I was just NERVOUS basically, about going to this munch because we felt CONFLICTED.  I wanted to be at the EVENT, and be near HIM, but I knew he would be playing host and not in Unkey headspace and I was maybe anticipating Princess feeling abandoned and stuck, unable to process it with him as it occured.  This is sort of our deal, when we are together, I am truthful with him about what Princess says and feels, and we manage her together if needed.  Also I had a persistent headache.

So I couldn’t get us out the door to the munch and eventually MasterMe told Unkey we had a problem with Princess and he said something like:  just get yer butt over here!  So even though we were not properly ready in several ways (shoe issues, no real potluck contribution, no makeup), Master just kinda grabbed some stuff into huge BAG for all contingencies, and threw Princess in the car and we WENT, headache and ALL.

When we got there, everyone was singing and playing cuz it is a musical kind of munch.  I held back and off to the side, feeling discombobulated.  He came and said hi to us and all, but he was in host mode and that was OK.  Master let Princess stay on the edges with her headache, and decide how she felt about the whole thing.  We chatted briefly with some people and deflected a guy or two. Mostly we were deep in observer mode.  Princess wanted to take her shoes off but she didn’t like that her feeties were kinda SCHTINKY and she felt very EMBARRASSED about that.  This was one of the issues that Master had bulldozed over on the way to showing up.

Eventually it became clear Princess was not going to relax about the smelly feet problem.  So I looked around the big open living space.  Wash my shoe inserts in the kitchen sink? Oh, HELL no.  I’d go home first.  Wash them in the guest half bath?  Maybe but it would take a while and possibly inconvenience others or worse attract unwanted attention.  Hrm. Ah-HA ! The sink in the laundry room, which has a door. There’s soap, an appropriately utilitarian sink, privacy. I can be in and out and no one will ever know, and then I can really start attending this party.  I’m sure if I asked Unkey, he’d be OK with it. Good plan.

So I went in, closed the door, and feeling a little guilty for being a slightly bad guest, I washed the orthodic insole things.  I was drying them by standing on them when I realized the floor was wet. And then I realized the sink had leaked.

A LOT.  Everywhere.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Now Princess starts freaking out, and the General wakes up from his nap.

I hustled out to the munch; managed to attract Unkey’s attention across a room of 30 people without catching anyone else; urgently pulled him to the laundry room; and he hustled off to provide towels.  After I did an initial wipe up, I really panicked, and had to pull him back over. There wasn’t enough water on the floor, nothing close to how much I had put down that drain.

I had to ask him if maybe the water could be falling down into the semi-finished basement below.  They had had something similar happen before in a different spot. We scampered down, trying not to raise suspicions.  And there it was, a big puddle on the floor. Some furniture was wet. A big oriental rug was touching the puddle. He got me more towels.

He didn’t say a whole lot, we just levelly and quietly dealt with it without disrupting the party and then he entrusted MasterMe to finish the job, while he went back to running the event.  I mopped up, propped up, did everything I could to Fix It.

I was down there in the McMansion basement alone a long time, the water was the easy part.  

Then I had to mop up Princess.  

She was... devastated. 

And the General was pissed.  

And Princess was sure Unkey either was mad at her or was going to be mad at her, either did yell at her or was gonna really yell at her, and she was afraid.  She was a bigger puddle than the water itself. And just pummeling herself for flooding Unkey’s HOUSE!  How could she DO that!  The General was using words like stupid and bad guest and such.  And I had one HELL of a time convincing them that Unkey was ok, we were ok, it was ok. They did NOT believe me. I wasn’t sure I believed Myself at that point.  But he hadn’t blown up at me and he hadn’t been hostile, he’d been studiously neutral, which I hugely appreciated.  And I realized...

... this is it.  This is ground zero of my PTSD.  

Princess has assumed the crash position because she is SURE the most important man in her life is going to lose his shit IN HER DIRECTION and she is BRACED for it.

That was... sobering.

Poor Princess.

Yes, she was devastated.  I was down there at least half an hour working to screw my head on enough to go back upstairs.  I did. I went and sat amongst the music makers, they did another half dozen songs. I kept to an edge, and basically stayed social on the surface and withdrawn everywhere else until most all had left and Unkey came over and asked how everyone in there was doing.  He had a sense it wouldn’t be great.  I let him know it had taken some doing, and in his fascinating quiet way he let me know he grasped what I was saying.

Someone I used to know rubbed my shoulders a bit for the headache but had to go for a playdate.  Then I was naked in the hot tub outside on a March night in the mid Atlantic. Wearing my silly sauna hat. Nekkid with a half dozen people, not talking a lot but holding it together, sitting next to Unkey in the bubbling water for 40 minutes, with my headache and a bruised Princess,  just feeling close to him, letting him pet me under the surface, feeling connected.  Slowly believing he doesn’t hate Princess, he still luvs Princess the same as before she flooded his new house.

As the evening ended, it was just me, Unkey and his primary partner (PP) in the house. She gave me an ice pack so I could cool down the headache before driving.  I was lying on the floor with my feet on the sofa seat, stretching a little.  Unkey came in and started playing piano, not talking much but I was talking to him, sort of a running commentary about the music and how he was playing it.  His PP came over and offered me a footrub which I gratefully accepted.

For about half an hour, I laid on the floor with the ice pack I needed for my pain; being comforted with touch and my Unkey serenading me on the piano.  Not far off how my dad used to like me to play piano for him on a Sunday afternoon while he laid down.

Unkey and I even have the exact same piano.

It’s taken over a month to write about this, because it was a very deep experience. The depth of my... terror... about the flood.  And the depth of my... I don’t know what to call that good stuff... in that last half hour.  I realized that while my childhood had that terror, it had none of the comfort.  I really don’t think I have any memories of feeling as safe, supported, nurtured, accepted, you name it, within my family of origin in childhood, as I did right then with Unkey and his primary partner.  It was a balm.

It... glued something together in me.  It allowed something in Princess to solidify.

And then I went home.  

MasterMe said:  Good job, team. Good work tonight.

Princess said:  Good job, Master.