In Xanadu did Kublah Khan a stately pleasure dome decree

Friday, October 13, 2017

New Happy

So yeah. Not really much going on in My life. Once I got over the whole terror of the idea I’m actually different than My historically perceived self-concept, it’s been like falling off a log.  It’s been so very INTERESTING to be able to hear what the static is actually saying. I’ve long said I hate the advice to listen to your gut, cuz My gut never knows. 

Turns out it does, I just at some point blocked My ears and now I have taken some of the earplugs out. There are probably more. I suspect the next piece is something to do with un-expressed anger. We shall see.

Perhaps the most surprising thing is how much straight up ENERGY is in Princess and presumably other pieces. That’s really exciting to consider.

There are lots of unexpecteds. I totally locked up in a crafts store last weekend, Princess and Master were having a big difference of opinion about what un-necessaries to buy and what amount was reasonable to spend on un-necessaries. Princess had some strong opinions. Master has zero experience managing a 4 year old’s flip out. Unkey was a big help that day when it seemed like the world was ending.

And even at this moment, as I sit in the office building cafeteria eating My modest sandwich, it occured to Me that Princess might not have gotten the news that her younger brother died six years ago. And suddenly there are tears streaming down My face as I hear a four year old scream his name.  I’ve got to find a way to set that aside until I’m not in the office, cuz yeah, Princess clearly didn’t get that memo. Definitely gonna need some Unkey help there.

So that’s the gig, I suppose. I am learning to parent Myself in all the ways I never have before, which I take to be an exercise in  learning self compassion. And I’m getting to have a happy childhood in middle age. The bizarre thing is that I *am* happy. Happy is not at the moment about feeling happy, it is more simply the experience of authentic presence and self compassion, leavened with silliness.

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