I Have Ennui

I know this because I have been streaming Gilmore Girls and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. The snooty Frenchman in GG sometimes has ennui and today I am slumping about just like he does. I also know because I wanted to attend a holiday performance and abandoned the effort in the seat selection process. And because I have had two small Christmas trees soaking in the tub of My only bathroom for several days while I strive and fail to assemble crap Chinese tree stands for them. I have vague intentions of housekeeping, of cooking, or freezing what I did cook before it molds in the fridge, of shopping and mailing gifts in time, of packing to get on an airplane. Ain't none of it really happened. The solstice is a mere 3 days away and this snow bird is headed south for a week. I'm sick, also, possibly probably a factor. In short, this likely is the low point for the year.  My clock had wound down.

Ten days from now boy t will arrive. he will arrive the day before I return and he will spend the time Mary Poppins-ing My house. he will give Me a jump start and together we will break the log jam.  It will be fine. Then in a few weeks it is My birthday and then a trip to the Gulf and then WinterFire and by then spring is within reach.

I'm doing some specialized yoga for My old injury and sometimes in class, tears start running down My face. I'm not in pain, I'm not upset or thinking about anything sad. It's just energy release, unblocking the energy locked up in the spasmed tissue. I let it pass thru. It takes patience and bravery and I have to talk Myself out of making up a story about it. Then I reward this high level of self care by walking a block down the pretty street to the custard shop, and l have even invited another human being to join Me, and successfully made chitchat throughout.  These are accompishments.. I'm going to continue with the class in the next 6 week session, it's useful and fascinating. Maybe I am ready now to do a series of rolfing bodywork. I hear it is painful, and I don't welcome that, but I can see that this connective tissue work is effective. I'd be stupid not to do it. I'm too young to have a body that feels this old. I had to turn down a playdate recently cuz I just can't give 200, 300 full wind-up, full force large paddle whacks these days. It used to be a nice workout. Now it's simply a terrible idea to try at all. I used to be the only Domme that could meet that guy's need for heavy play. Now I'm out in such a big way it no longer brooks any discussion.

But a rolfing series of bodywork would probably release a lot of stuff, like the class is doing and more, maybe that's too much processing for January. Maybe I wait for some spring. But then, My sibling died a few years ago in a freak accident, and younger than me. I shouldn't assume it's always possible to do it later. I should make an appointment.

I'm frustrated with the married boy. I can't have anything like the relationship I would want in the time he has, we can't get to the vast majority of what I want to do with/to him in a 90 minute visit. I thought once he knew Me and decided we were a match, that he would make Me a priority, he would make more time. But he doesn't. he would say he simply can't. That's a disappointment and an irritant. Married boys are like that. I'm annoyed at Myself for hoping otherwise; this was a preventable collision and as the Dominant, it is My fault. It's deep meteorological winter though, and I don't know quite trust My grumps to make the right choices. he is delightful when he does appear, it's possible I could focus on that part of it if I were in a better headspace generally. I'm not horny, that's another indicator of being at a low point. Patience. 

I did love declan's blog When The Tears Come. That was very hot and so very up My alley. And john's ruined orgasm post reinforced the vibe. So thanks to declan and john for those big shafts of light. Hehehe. See what I did there? 

Patience. Tea. Soup. Yoga. Netflix. And a cozy bed. Hibernation is a completely normal and natural instinct in mammals. I come from a Northern peoples, this wiring runs deep in us. Spring will come.