In Xanadu did Kublah Khan a stately pleasure dome decree

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have a sometime playmate, Deev, who defies categorization. We have over the last year had maybe eight playdates. They are quite simple and even repetitively dull to anyone watching. But they are amazing to experience.

He struggled as usual with mass transit to reach Me at the office at 7 pm, though we had planned on 6. On a whim, with no explanation or warning, I took him up to see the magnificent roof view and we watched a lot of airplanes on final approach overhead, turning and landing.  Talking about how strange it is to be on the roof looking at people in cars and airplanes, and to know what it is like to be inside those cars and airplanes, while I look at them. He mentioned that he hasn’t really ever gone anywhere. Finally we got to the house and sat outside eating the McDonalds we had grabbed, talking for quite a while as we watched four cop cars trying to accomplish something down the block. Eventually he said:

“I have news. I broke up with my live in girlfriend and I am moving to Thailand in four months, maybe less.”

So we had a nice talk about the how and why and excitement of all that, his big adventure, life change, and how interesting that I had without discussion taken him up to the roof to watch and talk about airplanes.  I was a little sad but also very happy for him. He is a young man, and it is right he should go live life in a bigger way than he has been doing.  I suppose if I had thought about it I would have seen that this would not go on indefinitely; I thought he’d leave through marriage. 

We had agreed he would crash overnight, since getting him home late on the bus was not easy, but in time he changed his mind out in the yard enjoying the weather. So we took ourselves inside and had another delightful session. I lay on the bed, a big bolster under My knees, no pillow, a big blanket on Me from nose to knees, bare from the knees down. He takes off his shirt, I give him a pillow for comfort on the floor which he usually ignores, and then he... does something between a foot rub and body worship and massage and dance and reiki.  He uses his hands and arms, his chest and head and lips, tongue, ears, shoulders, hair to connect with Me at both a body level and a deep energy level, from knees to toe tips. Then when it’s complete, he climbs on the bed and we cuddle and talk about our experiences. And then he goes home, except that tonight I was planning to have him crash in the guest room.

I cannot meaningfully rank pieces of the experience, but some of the consistently most lovely moments are when he slides his arms up from feet to above the knees with full contact. Or puts the soles of both My feet on his warm, solid chest. I like to wiggle My toes a little in certain ways to communicate My enjoyment, and I love twining My toes in his beautiful, long, magnificent mane of black wavy hair. 

Tonight I had a moment where I realized that even in receiving his service, I felt the need to work a little, so I gave Myself permission to stop, actually TOLD Myself to stop, to just be still, to completely receive. And at that point I fell off the cliff for I have no idea how long. Not asleep. Somewhere floating out in yoga nidra universe space connected to My body by only the slenderest of golden threads, in the most deeply relaxed and restorative state I have found. Until the moment he gently kissed one foot and then the other in a very still way, and the hour long wave of our wordless, shared energy abated, pulling Me back into My body. And I heard the Princess voice faintly say, “nooooooooo....!”

But it was still entirely good.

It was also 11pm and he had quite the trek home. I’ve driven him before, part or all the way. Tonight I flipped for an Uber pool, I didn’t want to kill My buzz with driving.  We said goodbye before I pushed the button on the uber app, and I said...

“I’m sure we will see each other again maybe a few times before you go to Thailand. I have an ask: I need to know when it is the last time. I’m tender in the area of people going away, especially when they are men I like.”

He sweetly agreed and said...

“I know. I remember you told me that once. It’s why I waited until we were together in person to tell you about going to Thailand.”

You know, it has taken me a long time to reach the point where I can articulate that deep vulnerability to people in anything like a clear yet casual way. And even though I do it now, in the last year at most, it is still probably my core emotional reality/ belief that I don't *expect* people to respect that need.  In this place, I am still achey from slave tarin’s abrupt departure, someone I had only with great effort allowed Myself to rely on. But I could point to many other points in life where I experienced exactly this thing which I specifically asked not occur.  In the past I have worked a whole lot harder to try and make a partner be sensitive, and failed. This time, I apparently did My part, and it was such a low grade issue, I forgot I had.

So Deev’s totally unexpected thoughtfulness and kindness wasn't just kind and thoughtful, it prompted in Me a new feeling... that something in the world has shifted.  I grew and shifted; I got in touch with this vulnerability and claimed it; and learned to have enough self compassion to clearly request compassion for it; and finally, after persisting in this new approach, the world has fallen in line with the new reality of Me. 

That's a lotta freight, of course, on a seemingly small thing, but that's how it felt. 

I shared this feeling with Deev when he reached home, and thanked him for both layers of it.  I had to smile when My one and only burner boy texted back:

“Well, damn! I’m really glad, dude!”

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