Un-Stuck

It feels like life has both accelerated and gone into slo mo at once these last few months. Turns out I was not just “fighting a bug” off and on all fall, but experiencing asthma and other nae-so-good, systemic inflammatory stuff. All I knew was I was tired and hurt in several ways and couldn’t keep up with requirements, and spend most weekends doing little but sleeping so I could get through another week.  The house was a mess, the car was a mess, My office was a mess, absolutely everything was a mess at comical levels, and it wasn’t until I had a week of prednisone that I started finding the energy to even notice.  Oxygen, what a concept.

Of course, I wished in a distant abstract way for a boy to be of service big time, but one cannot summon unicorns on demand, and My lovely boys all were supportive but had legitimate limits on what they could offer. So October turned into December. 

I decided to take a certification exam boot camp over Christmas which meant going nowhere. While the General (you remember the General) was fine with this choice, I knew Princess would feel deprived-lonely-sad if a real Christmas didn’t happen. I put the word out to family and friends that for the first time, I would of necessity be alone on Christmas, and instead of being awful, it was awesome. Gift boxes arrived, My little tabletop tree was surrounded by love gifts. I didn’t let Princess open anything early and for a month before, anything extra I bought for Myself I set aside as extra fun for Princess to open. On Christmas morning, I cranked up a space heater, made Bailey’s hot mocha, and had Princess put on her blue budgie onesie and fuzzy slippers and flannel robe, and we made a day of it. We opened presents very slowly ALL DAY, talking with friends and family along the way, nibbliing from a stockpile of special favorite foods, and it was wonderful. 

john and Chloe were just amazing, sending lots of fun things with wrapping and handwritten notes. boy ed came through with some jaw dropping choices that really delighted Me to My toes. boy mike did something wonderful. My parents, My sister. Gifts from Me to me. A few colleagues. And somehow, I felt it all in a way I never have, it got through a forcefield I knew was there but couldn’t deactivate until now. It wasn’t just stuff, it was love and I could feel it.  It think maybe that because I have let her out of the shadows, Princess could feel it, and she is the piece that has needed it.  As an adult, I have learned to communicate My needs effectively, and Princess’ vulnerability has been brought forward so that she can feel cared for. It’s the most magical experience I’ve ever had sitting by Myself, and I am deeply grateful.  Something in Me feels whole and healed as a result.

Princess continues to be more and more involved in daily life, the General doesn’t seem to feel the need to yell much these days, now that Princess can be heard, and I feel Master of My own house and My own life in a new and exciting way.

boy ed is proving a delightful addition to My life and while he doesn’t identify as a submissive, My experience of him is much like an excellent subby with great instincts for anticipatory service.

I never make New Years Resolutions but late in December it coalesced in My mind the theme for 2018 is DETOX.  This was partly a function of the medical stuff, partly because I watched Myself go through the academic bootcamp feeling disliked for being My nerdy self (Princess childhood experiences and filters at work) while at the same time realizing everyone liked Me fine and suspecting I was disliked was all in My head. I decided I was ready to let go of that. The year of DETOX began by deciding to raid the emergency fund and put an end to the most toxic thing in My life: the student loan.  I’ve been working up to this for some time and finally reached the point of pulling the trigger.  boy ed very sweetly celebrated the occasion from far away by surprising Me hours later via amazon with a DEBT FREE tshirt that I have been wearing a lot.  I promised Myself I would pay it off before I turned 50 and I kept the promise comfortably, which feels so good.

I have realized it doesn’t feel right to say “I did it”.  I don’t have a bodily sensation of who the “I” is there.  But I can say wholeheartedly: WE DID IT.  Me, the General, the Princess, whoever else has been along for the ride, the multiple versions of Me that I have grown through in the 22+ years I carried that rock. We did it.  There was a time I thought I would die before I paid off the student debt, and for a few days I was sort of afraid that having paid it, I was going to die. But I also understood that feeling metaphorically:  dying to the old life and being reborn into another. The fear has passed and now I’m just really proud of us, proud of Me as Master of My life, and looking forward to the next phase. 

I also have been feeling stuck in My job, so I did a major barnstorming effort and got a big new professional certification involving a rather infamous exam. I did it all in under 3 months and passed on the first attempt. With that and the debt mischief managed, I am feeling much more free and relaxed and at ease in life.

I feel like a wiser version of Myself at 25 and I am re-discovering positive aspects of Myself from that time, notably a greater sense of possibility and adventure and fun. When I glimpse Myself passing a window lately, what I see seems younger. I can see Me 20 years ago in the mirror again now. That’s really cool. I’m beginning the process of retrieving some things I had forgotten I’d lost. It’s exciting.