Excitement

All this garden talk is functioning as a form of self-distraction from My excitement at having met a new boy. It is early days for him individually, as well as for U/us as a pair, but I'm feeling some unexpected and different feels about the new start this time around.

I love New Relationship Energy (NRE), truly I do, but it's like an angora sweater for Me. NRE both feels wonderful and makes Me antsy-itchy, unable to block out the sensations. Patience is not necessarily My long suit, and getting to know someone new is absolutely a process that takes time... particularly when there are children, a new job, and it's the holidays. That he seems to feel similarly impatient makes Me feel wonderful, but doesn't make the itchy go away. NRE has a certain hungry, devouring quality to it, a desire to just be voracious about the deliciousness until desire is satiated. It's annoying.  Fantastically wonderful, precisely what I want, and simultaneously also really fscking unbearably *annoying* at the same time.

I feel like a five year old demanding My toy be returned.  NOW!!  I'm not entirely comfortable with that on some level. I like to think I'm a level-headed, reasonable person. Something about NRE feels deeply unreasonable.  Primal. And let's be honest, it's sufficiently early days that I am still trying to make a good impression, to build a base of trust. It isn't prudent to let the voracious Beast be seen yet.  It's enough that the rattling of Beast chains can be faintly heard from a comfortable distance.

Come closer, little boy. Nothing's going to hurt you.

The boy is on work travel right now, and I had him text Me a photo of him kneeling in a far away hotel room, to please Me fundamentally, and to give us both a feeling of connection. The first photo he sent had a look of deep intensity and concentration on his face. I had him take a second - smiling - and I'm enjoying flipping back and forth between them.  It's a kind of emotional parallax, for he is, of course, fully and completely himself in both.

Last spring, I gave up on one of the portals where I had a profile, then in August, I posted a new non-profile there... a summary of the things I find Myself saying to all the boys I meet online who aren't sound prospects. The profile of Me turned into The World According to Me. I figured by not trying to attract, I would discourage the many, and only a few worthies would surmount the hurdle.  I even specified they must read and report on a specific book before I would proceed with them.  This new boy is one of only three thus far to read the book, and the only one to submit a typed and thoughtful book report. It's become clear he has been watching Me for a while online, he has remarked upon the changes in the changed profile and he has remarked upon photos posted to another portal which were later removed. I'm glad he has been very deliberate and I'm glad he has taken the time to reflect on My writing for a number of months.  I wanted an earnest prospect, and I have one.  I am pleased.

I've had him do a little service for Me already, some schlepping, some vacuuming and sweeping.  It's much more fun than usual, because he is motivated and he is FAST.  It's like the scene in Mary Poppins where the nursery cleans itself while Mary sings. It's that feeling of driving a sportscar I have written about.  The concept of boy as force multiplier appeals to him, and he had said he believes I am worthy of having My force multiplied.

If Santa leaves nothing under the tree for Me, but the new boy pans out, I will have gotten everything I wanted for Christmas.

In the past, I might not have written that. I might have been afraid to jinx it.  But living out loud is working for Me, and I'm not going back.