Xanadu
In Xanadu did Kublah Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
WinterFire's Gifts
DO WinterFire was very good for Me last February, as I met two good boys there. One was a local musician (single and poly) dipping his toe into subbing, and though he is so heavily scheduled with gigs that he visits seldom, when he is present, he is the most heartfelt houseboy. On his first visit, I started him off with dishes, scantily clad in black and wearing an apron. When finished, he approached as directed, announced the task complete, and I inspected his work, finding with great pleasure that all the dishes were indeed properly washed and rinsed. This is no small matter, it amazes Me how many men cannot wash dishes without specific training. When I returned to where he waited kneeling, and said I wanted him next to wash the kitchen floor, he smiled and exclaimed with evident delight, "Oh, wonderful! I was HOPING You would say that!!". It was such a breath of fresh air to feel a boy so relishing his service, rather than tolerating it in a transparent effort to get his agenda met.
The second boy is in a poly marriage. We met through a third party by happenstance, clicked in the way that sometimes happens, and within a few weeks, we had taken up. It has been a bumpy ride for reasons that relate to the inner workings of that marriage. It has been both tremendously challenging and very rewarding. In time I have come to consider him a pet rather than a submissive, but nonetheless, W/we engage on his pressing life issues. Current challenges, surfacing and processing old traumas that contribute to those challenges, so he can take today on its own terms, mindfully. Though we are not at a point where it makes sense to require a promise that he obey Me in all things, as a practical matter he does essentially obey, even if it is couched more as advice which he consistently chooses to follow. We are in a fuzzy area but for reasons surpassing understanding, it works.
The takeaway for the blogosphere is this: when a kinky couple decides to be poly, that's not the end of the conversation. They need to really nail down the level of involvement they expect. In our case, the wife probably thought that when they agreed to be "poly" she consented to an occasional fuck buddy and play at parties, but not an actual parallel relationship... but hubby didn't realize that was a constraint and he gravitated to a "girlfriend" who turned out to be a Dominant who has expectations that sometimes conflict with wife's historically safe assumptions about hubby's constant availability to her. So at each step, watch out for un-acknowledged power dynamics in your poly primary, folks.
As My friend Master Dylan observed, sometimes the Universe sends us not the relationship we want but what we actually need. It's been very gratifying to feel I am providing sound leadership to My pet, guiding him to grow personally and in relationships and at work, watching him transition from late boyhood into actual adulthood. It has also been very useful to go through that effort, and find it gives Me the ability to take stock, see how far I have come in My own growth, and appreciate who I have become. There's a way in which being his Dominant has consolidated Me as a Dominant.
I took pet to the Master slave Conference, and he made uniformly positive impressions on people whose opinions I trust. He mastered personal anxieties about being at public events, he engaged, was sociable, and generally exhibited a new and markedly higher level of self-acceptance than he possessed six months earlier, and all this accomplished in a very difficult personal environment for him. I just could not have been any prouder. The marital issues are independent of Me in most ways and may very well continue, so I have no illusions that pet can become the primary relationship I ultimately want to find. Thankfully, I think both pet and his partner have grasped that I'm not trying to break them up, and in fact, realize now that I would consider that a very bad outcome for everyone. It feels good knowing we have come through that particular set of Class IV rapids.
Nonetheless, I still have a boy in service on any given day far less than I would like. Time is our most valuable commodity, and time is where all rubber hits every road. I still want a boy whose time is maximally available to Me and so I found Myself returning to a particular kink portal, after swearing off it last spring. As I debated the wisdom of reversing course, I decided there was no reason to think the portal is different than before, but I could choose to be otherwise. So I took down My former profile, and posted something of a manifesto. It is a summation of what I believe and what I have wished the boys I met there already understood. I did this fully expecting almost no one would trouble to read it, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to educate the few who are thirsty to understand what a real world Female Dominant would want. There are times I do howl at the moon, and this was one of them. The gap between fantasy and reality is so huge for most boys, and while I haven't minded explaining these things one-on-one, it is the slow boat to China.
So imagine My surprise when My educational profile - put up with truly no intention of attracting anyone, and primarily the goal of scaring off the clueless hoardes - began producing better inquiries than ever before. Not many, but few of high quality, which is precisely My goal. And as an added bonus, I have received a significant number of messages from boys saying that he recognizes he can't meet My requirements (geography, single, etc.) but he wanted to thank Me and wish Me well, because he learned a great deal of value. I'm particularly hearing this from married boys, who have always been the thorniest cases. It's amazing how that Zen thing works, when you stop trying so hard to get where you want to go, and by letting go, you get there after all. Indeed, sometimes the Universe gives us what we need.
And last night I had a funny little note of closure, as I have lately been feeling the absence of a primary and committed boy, pondering My un-coupled-ness, My mother came to visit. And with no prior warning, she showed up with a bequest from My grandmother who died last fall. It turns out that Grandma left me a little solitaire ring, very 1920s. It was given by *her* grandmother to the eldest granddaughter, and now My grandma had carried on the tradition and planned for it to come to Me. We don't even know the first name of the great-great-grand involved, we will have to research it. And I had absolutely no idea at all this ring or tradition even existed. So at a time when I am much feeling My singleness and the absence of prospects, I find Myself holding unexpectedly a ring given with love across five generations, a ring that looks very like an engagement ring. It feels distinctly like encouragement.
The second boy is in a poly marriage. We met through a third party by happenstance, clicked in the way that sometimes happens, and within a few weeks, we had taken up. It has been a bumpy ride for reasons that relate to the inner workings of that marriage. It has been both tremendously challenging and very rewarding. In time I have come to consider him a pet rather than a submissive, but nonetheless, W/we engage on his pressing life issues. Current challenges, surfacing and processing old traumas that contribute to those challenges, so he can take today on its own terms, mindfully. Though we are not at a point where it makes sense to require a promise that he obey Me in all things, as a practical matter he does essentially obey, even if it is couched more as advice which he consistently chooses to follow. We are in a fuzzy area but for reasons surpassing understanding, it works.
The takeaway for the blogosphere is this: when a kinky couple decides to be poly, that's not the end of the conversation. They need to really nail down the level of involvement they expect. In our case, the wife probably thought that when they agreed to be "poly" she consented to an occasional fuck buddy and play at parties, but not an actual parallel relationship... but hubby didn't realize that was a constraint and he gravitated to a "girlfriend" who turned out to be a Dominant who has expectations that sometimes conflict with wife's historically safe assumptions about hubby's constant availability to her. So at each step, watch out for un-acknowledged power dynamics in your poly primary, folks.
As My friend Master Dylan observed, sometimes the Universe sends us not the relationship we want but what we actually need. It's been very gratifying to feel I am providing sound leadership to My pet, guiding him to grow personally and in relationships and at work, watching him transition from late boyhood into actual adulthood. It has also been very useful to go through that effort, and find it gives Me the ability to take stock, see how far I have come in My own growth, and appreciate who I have become. There's a way in which being his Dominant has consolidated Me as a Dominant.
I took pet to the Master slave Conference, and he made uniformly positive impressions on people whose opinions I trust. He mastered personal anxieties about being at public events, he engaged, was sociable, and generally exhibited a new and markedly higher level of self-acceptance than he possessed six months earlier, and all this accomplished in a very difficult personal environment for him. I just could not have been any prouder. The marital issues are independent of Me in most ways and may very well continue, so I have no illusions that pet can become the primary relationship I ultimately want to find. Thankfully, I think both pet and his partner have grasped that I'm not trying to break them up, and in fact, realize now that I would consider that a very bad outcome for everyone. It feels good knowing we have come through that particular set of Class IV rapids.
Nonetheless, I still have a boy in service on any given day far less than I would like. Time is our most valuable commodity, and time is where all rubber hits every road. I still want a boy whose time is maximally available to Me and so I found Myself returning to a particular kink portal, after swearing off it last spring. As I debated the wisdom of reversing course, I decided there was no reason to think the portal is different than before, but I could choose to be otherwise. So I took down My former profile, and posted something of a manifesto. It is a summation of what I believe and what I have wished the boys I met there already understood. I did this fully expecting almost no one would trouble to read it, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to educate the few who are thirsty to understand what a real world Female Dominant would want. There are times I do howl at the moon, and this was one of them. The gap between fantasy and reality is so huge for most boys, and while I haven't minded explaining these things one-on-one, it is the slow boat to China.
So imagine My surprise when My educational profile - put up with truly no intention of attracting anyone, and primarily the goal of scaring off the clueless hoardes - began producing better inquiries than ever before. Not many, but few of high quality, which is precisely My goal. And as an added bonus, I have received a significant number of messages from boys saying that he recognizes he can't meet My requirements (geography, single, etc.) but he wanted to thank Me and wish Me well, because he learned a great deal of value. I'm particularly hearing this from married boys, who have always been the thorniest cases. It's amazing how that Zen thing works, when you stop trying so hard to get where you want to go, and by letting go, you get there after all. Indeed, sometimes the Universe gives us what we need.
And last night I had a funny little note of closure, as I have lately been feeling the absence of a primary and committed boy, pondering My un-coupled-ness, My mother came to visit. And with no prior warning, she showed up with a bequest from My grandmother who died last fall. It turns out that Grandma left me a little solitaire ring, very 1920s. It was given by *her* grandmother to the eldest granddaughter, and now My grandma had carried on the tradition and planned for it to come to Me. We don't even know the first name of the great-great-grand involved, we will have to research it. And I had absolutely no idea at all this ring or tradition even existed. So at a time when I am much feeling My singleness and the absence of prospects, I find Myself holding unexpectedly a ring given with love across five generations, a ring that looks very like an engagement ring. It feels distinctly like encouragement.
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