In the Beginning

I've begun writing about My first boy, my first play partner actually -- ethan. He gave me many things I needed as a baby Domme, first among them that he was accepting and gentle with my inexperience, his enjoyment built my confidence, and he cared for me a great deal. I don't normally use a boy's name, much less his real name, when I write, but ethan has been gone eight years, and I firmly believe no harm can come to anyone from it. I think he'd like being written about and I think he'd like having his name used. It isn't much spoken any more in this circle.  Eight years is a long time.

It's hard to write about, though, because I was a very different person back then. I expect it would be jarring for readers to have those early-days flashbacks interspersed with posts about current day fun activities, so I have created a new topic Page in the right margin, down toward the bottom, called In The Beginning. Check it out. ----------------------------->

This first post tells the story of how I came into the public kink scene and the first time I ever played in the dungeon, which was also the first time I ever played with ethan. I can't write about My early experiences in isolation from him. Though I am writing about someone who is gone, this is not a sad story. It's tender and fond and warm. Gratitude has finally filled in the places where sadness sat. I've not felt moved before to write publicly about him, and suddenly it feels the time is right. The blog is writing itself in My head as I drive, as I wash dishes.  I've learned that when something wants to write itself, I should get busy transcribing.

It's funny how our brains keep track unconsciously of things like when someone we care about died, and somehow this year I'm feeling the story wants to be told.   If I don't tell it, it cannot be known and it's worth knowing.

If I learned anything from ethan, it's that life is too short to waste time being anything other than who you want to be.

Camp: More Pees, Please

I really have to pee. Do you have time?

j nods and like an interested pup, follows me into the cabin and onward to the bathroom, where I plan to have him kneel, sniff, and lick.  I have been nursing his delicious, carefully calibrated cocktails all afternoon, and they haven’t given Me a headache or made Me thirsty, just pleasantly horny and lightly, sustainably, relaxingly buzzed. It’s some form of black magic that he can do this, since alcohol seldom feels good to Me otherwise. I didn't know I liked cocktails until j started making them for Me, carefully calibrated to My tastes and My tolerance. Stepping toward the bathroom stall, I pause and wonder why in the world this should be enough, when there could be far more. 

I turn him around, take him back outside, inspired, and holding hands we cross the one-lane road to the designated spot, next to a small jungle gym. As I strip off My panties and skirt, he throws his naked self onto the verdant lawn rolling onto his back, the eagerest of dogs. I stand above him legs spread and tell him to open his eyes, look at Me for long moment as I sink into our connection again, in this new moment. Then as I allow My muscles to relax, the stream of My piss begins to fall heavily and hit his eager body, he closes them, arches slightly, sighs, relaxes, and smiles with a deep contentment that catches Me off guard. I encounter these spots sometimes, something he really enjoys but is too well trained to ask Me for, and when I find an Easter egg like this, it makes Me very happy.   

Feet planted on either side of his torso, his hands lightly on My calves, I start at his sternum, piss running across his chest into a pool then down the sides of his ribcage to the ground, and I rock forward, creating a strong flow that spreads and gushes down on both sides of his neck. Then I rock back and keeping feet in place, shift my weight into my hips.  All the way back, just to the point of losing balance, I direct the stream back down his sternum, down his belly, down to the cock, then up again across the belly, the chest, and again streaming around his neck to remind him once more of the collar he wore last night for Me, then back to where I began, the last of My warmth pooling over his heart.  He is beaming and positively melted into the ground. Surrendered.

Wow, he says, soft and far away, locking gaze with Me once more. You really did have to go.

Yes, dog. I did.

The rich droplets trickle off his body to sink into the grass around him. I am finished, and pause while he smiling, enjoys. Then down I come, reposition, and bring my shining, still dripping pussy to his waiting mouth. He slurps. Feasts. Worships. I become Divine. Nothing to do with orgasm or humiliation. It’s union. I feel the impulse to throw Myself down on him and rub naked along his full body length, take this to a whole other place.  I don't, but I'd like to think about that some more. Repositioning again, now on dry grass, I lean in and kiss him deeply, licking his lips, sharing his enjoyment of Me and My liquid sun. I could kiss like this a long time.  Eventually I bring him up, and standing look at his sweet, solid shape, droplets of My pale piss glistening and glinting on his entire body in the flat light of late afternoon. Stepping back, I am surprised to find the fur on the dog’s body has been parted, all the way down the mid line of his sternum.  It looks positively combed to create a broad gully from neck to cock, the line where we met and I flowed into him. 

It is a miracle I didn’t know could happen and I feel a new surge of powerful.  I want that line to stay there.  In My mind’s eye, it does. Twining fingers, we turn and walk back across the little road, as he silently honors Me by letting it all drip dry, unconcerned.

Time for another Chelsea sidecar.

Camp: Giving a Flying Fuck

After My beautiful fire fuck with  j, My boy t returned to the cabin at the time commanded.  I roused j, tucked in boy t, and holding hands, j and I carried bedding to the tent, where snuggling continued. he had dressed again, and we laid him down in the tent shirtless but still in the assless chaps and manly boots he wore to please Me on our fire fuck date.  What’s more, Chloe was the one who thought to ensure he dressed up, and I’m very touched by Her dressing Her boy for My enjoyment.  It’s one of those poly/kinky compersiony kinds of moments that is hard to explain. The sweet, velvety jock strap was cast aside and the chaps lowered, to a point where they began to function as mild bondage. I began to tease his denied cock as he so enjoys. 

Before the fire play we had waited nearly an hour for a table in the designated fire play area, and we spent that hour a few feet away on another table, with j giving Me a massage. It was the beginning really, of Me dropping out of My head and into My body into a state of deep relaxation, and it had everything to do with how wonderful the rest of the evening went.  On the massage table, I had taught him My body once more, as I do each time, reminded him of my particular sweet spots and how I like to be touched.  But this time it was slower, there was no hurry, no need to go elsewhere, there was in fact an inability to do anything else. We had the luxury of time in a way that is excruciatingly rare on a camp date.

Lying in the tent, casually denying him orgasm, he made use of the refreshed education about what My pussy likes best. We talked and laughed, listening to the birds and frogs and distant trains. I felt even more than usual how much I want to be with him in a tent somewhere deeply wild, somewhere to bring out the wild in us both, for us to fuck and sing along with the rest of the night creatures.

I was tingling and ready to capture the cock again. I was on top and nicely filled and moving toward what I wanted, bigger and more powerful than before.  And amazed, really, at the power of the fire play, at how easily orgasmic I still was, at how Good and Right it all felt.

he was well over 100 days into chastity with his generous Mistress, who stipulated only that he not be allowed to cum and must return to Her bed before She awoke. he is well trained to cry Stop at the very brink of orgasm, and I know this game of freeze tag well. The slightest breath, a word, a benign touch, is all it takes some times. And I will not be responsible for ending his long stretch of denial against orders.

As I rode him, I listened alertly for Stop, knowing it might come, but it did not appear. I felt the brink approach and shifted slightly to take Myself up and over. I could feel the orgasm within My reach, just two maybe three more strokes and then I was starting to be there, then the feeling of falling… and cumming… and flying???  Far, far away, I heard “OFF!” and then I landed, My belly pressing into his furry face, My hands suddenly on the tent floor where it meets the wall. I really had no idea what had happened. It took a little bit to apprehend that My stallion had bucked. In the intense urgency of near-fatal stimulation, he had seized My hips and pulled Me up and away, with such strength and ease I never even felt the buck.  I never felt the delicious cock pop out. And somewhere mid-air, My orgasm became some other kind of release, leaving only laughter and tenderness.

he apologized immediately for depriving Me of the cum I almost had.  And I teased him that now I could no longer send him home to Madame with a sterling, five star report on his behavior, he was down to 4.75.  We cuddled a good while longer, but My urge to fuck had dissipated in flight, and we were sleepy.  he had been sleepy, in fact, since midnight. his being awake so late is in itself a form of service to Me, and it was fully 2am before My compassion kicked in, I pulled up his sexy black leather ass-less chaps, and sent him home to Madame, both of us smiling.

I should really have gone to sleep after j left.  But I knew boy t would be asleep, or awake and turned on imagining what pleasures I was receiving.  The residual euphoria of fire date night was strong.  I remained up talking with a female /s friend I had convinced at last moment to come to camp. It was starting to get light, the frogs had quieted, and different birds were already singing, when I crawled into the cabin bed next to boy t at 5am, and I wasn’t even grumpy when he awoke Me per My standing order at 9:15am, to present My good morning iced mocha.  Such are the wonders of camp chemistry.

Camp: Fire Play

It’s dark in the dungeon, as j assists Me onto the special table. I am face up. Naked. Entirely comfortable, remarkably unconcerned. And happy to have him with Me. Here. Now. Just as I commanded. Closing My eyes helps Me drift and relax into what comes next. Opening them, My executive function instantly engages in risk management. Closed I am in his Presence. he whom I adore, he whom I trust with this. The danger has never really occurred to Me. Such is the level of My trust in j that I have not viscerally questioned his ability to keep My body physically safe, though I do intellectually notice he is doing everything with due regard for safety. Reducing Me to charcoal is nothing compared to what I trust him with, the vulnerability, the gift of letting him make Me squirm when I let no one make Me squirm, the vulnerability of feeling kittenish, of coming off the table horny and needing his cock in a way I don’t often allow Myself to need.

What I will remember, what I deeply-deeply wish I could have as a physical picture, to hang above the bed in My granny pod one day far off, to provoke scandalized conversations of My well-lived middle age, is this moment of Me on the massage table, him leaning over My upper torso. The dungeon beyond is shadow and does not exist. There is nothing but him. Looking up, I see the gentle rise of My breasts at the bottom of the picture frame. On the left side is his strong, paw-like hand holding the fire wand -- lit and flaming up -- its light falling on his tanned face, throwing it into a relief of deep copper planes and shadows.  Allowing Me to see his soft eyes, to lock into his gaze each time he checks in.  Allowing Me to see the exquisite focus and concentration on his face, as he does his damnedest to fulfill My wish, the best way he knows how. I know him deeply, until the moments I have absolutely no idea who he is, and touch the universal mystery. 

On the right side of this picture is his head, bent intently to the task. His sexy, scruffy face flickering in the light of the wand.  His rectangular glasses reflecting the vaporous blue and yellow, as he swirls and dabs and sets. My. breasts. on. fire. I float a hundred feet down in the sea of copper light and shiver. No thought. No time. And I invite him in, over and over, to paint me with light. With a final flourish he finishes, the flame swirls across the surface of My nipples, and across his lenses, and then the gaze beyond captures Me once more. Lights me up.

I find I cannot write much about him. I can only write My experience of him. Who he is, and who he is to Me, has from the beginning resisted language. Perhaps because we have only such a narrow slice of time and space together, just at these big events, just when he is allowed. I am. He is. We are. And in between, we are not. It is intimate anarchy.

He assists Me to upright on the table, swaddles Me, cradles Me, and waits for the shivering to stop. I am fine. When he steps away, releases his grip, I am still completely fine as the rest of the world tilts. He brings Me back to vertical and expresses concern. Still fine, just in a place of ecstatic alteration, just like I wanted. Then serious and smiling he asks:

Do You want to get fucked?

he says it that way because he knows it is exactly what I have commanded, and he is such a very good boy. he knows I like having My hunger named. In the cabin under the covers, I slap his face to make him hard and he slides into a connoisseur’s position, the one I want. He is in Me and we hold hands and he gives Me everything I want until My thirst is quenched. And his is not. And it is wonderful. Then we fade into a rich and joyful slumber, his thickness still heavy as I hold him engulfed. We doze and I awake fully sated.

Fire fuck.  

It's a beautiful thing to have discovered that My body arouses in a holy-crap kind of way to the experience of fire play, and that fire arousal lights up so much of the same neural circuitry as sexual arousal, that it's merely a matter of taking Me across the finish line. I learned that from j, quite by accident. Maybe there was a time I might have cared that this is bottoming, bottoming from the Top. But I'm long past the semantics. I know what I want, I tell him, he gives it to Me. 

That is all.

Life, Death, and the E.R.

The plan was for a nice brunch with one My local subby boys, whose Missus is out of town, leaving him at liberty to serve a little.  During brunch it slowly emerged that he had been feeling strange for two days, with a serious of recurring sharp pains at a particular spot in his head.  We adjourned to a local home furnishings outlet I like to cruise, I gave him a quick Protect The Property speech, and shortly after arriving he conceded that the attacks were becoming more frequent, and he looked none too good.  The pain was clearly intense, albeit fleeting.

Having already had one submissive drop dead early in My kink life, I'm not about to risk it becoming two, so I went full monty Protect The Property on his ass.  I took the car keys, and marched us into a walk in clinic a few blocks away.  He was acting just a little odd, and his irritability was increasing with the frequency of the pain. We didn't even sign in before I was able to convey enough information to the front desk nurse that she told us to go straight to the ER.

I threw him back in the car and proceeded at a brisk pace to the freeway. I was glad his car is the same type and one step up from My own, as I had immediately a good feel for its handling and felt comfortable pushing it to perform. He fought Me about wanting to go to the hospital near his home, which is both unknown to me and a bit further away, then five minutes later realized why that mattered.  Now he was becoming concerned at his own lack of clarity and irritability, and perhaps just a little scared.  As he noted, you can cut out a gall bladder; you can live without your arm; but when something's not right with your head, that's a problem.

Upon arriving the ER, I told him to write down Wife's cell number so I could call Her if things got serious. he dutifully took the pen, and proceeded to write his own phone number.  This did not make Me feel better. I parked illegally and hustled him in.

Standing in line, we had a quick surreptitious conversation wherein I informed him that for these purposes I was now his daughter.  With Wife out of town and him behaving a little oddly, I wasn't about to let him navigate the system alone. I offered My outside voice opinion that it might be a possible cardiac event in progress, which got us into a room without filling out payment forms first.  We spent a very competent 3 hours in the hospital. He was quickly on a monitor, and promptly through a CT scan.  I was watching the heart monitor and saw a lot of blinking lights that said "irregular" and that he was throwing a fair number PVCs. I don't actually know what that means, but hey, I used to watch a lot of E.R. back when George Clooney and Juliana Margolies were an item, before they had to play Somewhere Over The Rainbow for Dr. Green. Tests all came back fine, thankfully, though the attacks of pain continue and will likely be only partially controlled by the prescriptions. Next steps will be taken, but we have peace of mind knowing he isn't likely to drop dead.

So about a month after I was labelled boy t's Mom, today I was boy e's Dutiful Daughter. This consisted, in part, of keeping the Crocs on his feet to hide his pink toe polish and discretely accepting his precautionarily removed lace panties on the way out of the bathroom. I also learned that at some point in the past, he was arriving a kink event in his cross dressed rig, was spotted by a redneck as a man in a dress, and shortly thereafter returned to find his car heavily keyed. That made Me sad. People may not always appreciate My dominant personality, but it's never triggered physical destruction of My property.  Sissy play isn't My kink, but I totally support his right to girl it up.  I found it touching that his marriage ceremony included piercing his ears. And I'm touched, honestly, that he wears his nice earrings, a pretty pink button down shirt, and has a good pedicure when he takes Me to brunch.

Upon leaving, I hustled us to his preferred pharmacy, wanting to be sure that at 5pm on Sunday, July 3rd, he would be able to get the prescriptions filled before they closed.  That done, we were again hungry and headed for BBQ, then home, whereupon he immediately sacked out, and has remained zonked for five hours. Must be the meds. The pharmacist was very concerned that one of the meds is contra-indicated, but the ER doc had gone off duty so couldn't be reached, and the ER already had administered the first dose two hours before without him crashing, so she reluctantly filled the RX, but strongly encouraged Dutiful Daughter to keep an eye on dear old dad.

So I'm making up the bed in the spare room and expect to have a lightly snoring house guest for the next 24-48 hours.  He has an existing doc appt tomorrow, I may even wind up providing chauffeur service.  He's apologetic about being unable to serve me, but that's OK. Being a Master is a package deal, and the responsibility flows in all directions.  Last fall, j found himself without his Mistress and had to navigate emergent care alone; I wished I had been there too.

I'm mindful that this all is happening right around the anniversary of My first subby's death, from a heart attack at his desk at the age of 34, from a heart condition he had not fully disclosed to Me.  I was lucky, really really lucky, that he didn't die while strung up in the dungeon, arms above his head as I beat him for an hour the way he loved. he had been specifically told not to have his arms over his head for any length of time, not that I knew that in the moment.  After I went through being horrified at his willful failure to disclose a life threatening condition, and heard the whole family story of his life under intensive and invasive cardiac care from infancy, I understood though.  He got to the point that he decided to live his life, instead of letting the disease govern it.  So he rolled the dice. Whether it was running bleachers for exercise to get that cute little body of his, or riding that crazy rice rocket at high speed for an hour in the rain to see Me, at the end he lived on his own terms.  If I was conservative with today's boy e because a previous boy e died too young, well, I take responsibility for that too.

Camp: Taking It

It was a wonderful summer kinky camp and though I've written a lengthy draft of posts already, they need to rest and then they need to be transformed into something for the world's eyes, rather than My own. So nothing posted right after camp, days passed, and drop hit. What goes up must irrefutably come down.

When I returned to work Wednesday, the boss said, "Welcome back. Strap In. It's going to be a bumpy re-entry." And the man was not wrong. What he didn't know was My body was present but My brain completely stewed with lovey, sexy, attachmenty oxytocin and friends, and it was complete mush in that very specific, intense event-drop way. I was there and cared not for anything that needed done. The first day, I glided though unconcerned and happy. The second day I felt pressured enough to force Myself to focus on the looming deadline. And by today I was intensely irritable and fantasizing about quitting on the spot, singing Myself a low ostinato of, "it's just drop, hang on, it's just drop, hang on". The deadline met, at 5pm Friday I put another hour of PTO on the books, and tore out of there like the place was on fire.

Coming home I stopped at McDonalds, then sat in the car outside my house during a downpour, eating a soft serve cone. Once the salad was done, I headed to bed to soothe My jangling nerves, and found horniness asserting itself through the fog. As I cast My mind about for something hot to get My muddled body off, My mind went to none of the events in the draft blog. It went, unsurprisingly, to something involving j.

Dark had fallen, we and about 2 dozen others were sheltered by a large wedding-type tent. His Dominant had arranged for him to be pegged while other orgy-astic play went on in all directions. It wasn't My scene though I was there and energetically engaged, trying to strike that delicate balance of sharing space without being invasive. He was on a 4x6 wrestling/ exercise mat, naked in spirit, face down, legs clad in ass-less black leather chaps, spread, chunky boots on his feet. It's a very hot look on him that I just drink in. The top of his leather boy outfit had been removed. There was a magnificent young Indian woman covering him with her full body, an impressively long dildo in her strap on.  We've tried a number of times at events to get j well pegged but it has not been an overwhelming success. This was.  They struggled to penetrate him at first, but She was patient and would not be locked out. Soon enough his cries of genuine discomfort were cries of something else.

There in My mind's eye floats My adored boy, a worthy cock deep in his ass, nestled in the right spot, fucking him good, like he so needs to be fucked. Plus he remains in long term chastity, not allowed to ejaculate. He is not even touching the cock, in fact. He is alone on the mat. There is no talking to him. No loving coaching or sexy talk. He is pinned. His head is tossing a bit, his back arching as She rides him, his hands are pawing the air and mat, but finding nothing to cling to. He is coming in that tantric seizure way he sometimes does. He is coming over and over, beautifully out of control. He is a hole. He is being taken. Forced to endure whole-body orgasm without relief.

As the fucking hit stride, his Dominant asked Me to step away across the tent, so that he could be completely alone in that moment. I didn't really want to, but I respected their scene, understanding the goal is to give him experiences with many different people at camp... Who aren't Me, aren't Her.  It was hard for Me to withdraw, and hard to watch him reaching out and finding no one to cling to, not finding Me. I love that ecstatic place he goes to, I love being there with him. 

In My mind's eye now, as I stroke My hungry clit, I see him spread, used, helpless against the grinding cock inside him, coming against his will.  Taking it.

And it turns Me on. Powerfully. It punches all My buttons.

It gives Me the rip roaring-ist of orgasms, and I feel Myself gushing wet heat as I come the way I've needed to for days. As I drift into richly satisfied sleep, he's still floating before My eyes, pinned, flailing, crying out, pawing the air, coming helplessly, Her ass flexing as She drives short, fast strokes of the cock into his sweet spot. Forever.

Gratitude to all.

Let's Go Ride a Bike

It's two toiling visits later and things are proceeding very well with boy t.  We have quickly stepped foot into some significant  personal issues, and trust has built comfortably over several visits. By the third visit I had realized that due to childhood circumstances, the boy never learned to ride a bike, and since I wanted him to join Me, I decided he should learn now in his 30s. he expressed some doubts about clumsiness and general trepidation but I figured it was manageable and resolved to take it one step at a time.

I had us both watch online videos describing the learning steps. Then I got a 24 hr bike share membership and began by having him simply sit on the bike in its station, just to get used to the idea. Over the course of the next day we went to several other stops and practiced just getting used to the feeling of being in motion coasting and building his confidence. I sent him home encouraged, with instructions to seek other bike shares near his home and keep practicing. Over the course of the next few weeks, he worked at it, and incurred a rather impressive number of bruises from the pedals. To help the effort, I had him buy a pair of padded cycling bibs. By time he next returned, he seemed to have hit a plateau in his ability to self teach and My ability explain. So I found a 1:1 class at REI and announced he was attending, with Me there to observe. By this time it was clear that the bike share bikes just don't have the right geometry for his height and shape, in particular the pedals are too far back for My comfort and certainly for his ease. Despite the considerable heat, after a two hour coaching session with an actual teacher, he had made huge progress and had successfully coasted a good distance, slalomed around cones, and pedaled in a straight line. I declared the day victorious and took him to lunch.

Later we went to a different REI to "test ride" a bike, really just to get him more practice on a bike that actually fit him.  More steady progress but night fell and it was again time to stop just as it felt he was having a break through.

The next day he was to head back out of town, so I took us once again to REI where we rode the same bike as two days before. In a back parking lot, we found a variety of inclines which helped him get some initial motion and made getting started easier. Now that he had access to a properly fitting bike, all was proceeding apace.

I will confess that I wanted to send him home feeling successful and accomplished, and in My enthusiasm, I suggested he change his path through the parking lot to one that would give him the largest possible arc of travel. Unfortunately, I misjudged just how much additional incline that path provided. Like the good boy he is, he again did as suggested, and had a nice long, victorious ride before taking his first fall.  And it was a good one.

Not only was he road rashed and bleeding from elbow and knee, but his hand took a good hit as well. The bike no longer had handlebars where they belonged, they had rotated 90 degrees. I eventually had a pointed conversation with the store manager about failure to properly assemble the bike and failure to appropriately respond to a customer bleeding from three major joints.  No first aid had been offered, no manager called. All we got was an employee looking at the wildly misaligned handlebars and saying unhelpfully, "That's not supposed to happen."

A week later the boy's knee continues to present new shades of purple, and his elbow - which had looked the worst initially - is hugely improved and healing well. His palm had looked bruised and had a skin break, but 9 days later he continues to have pain and weakness. As of tonight, he is being treated from what we presume is a fractured wrist. Soft cast, and appointment with an orthopedist in a few days.

Shit.

Remarkably, he evidences no rancor against Me, or even unwillingness to continue learning at an appropriate time, and as always, I stand in amazement at a true submissive's willingness to obey. I am struggling with feeling bad about his injuries. I tell Myself that just as chicken pox are minor as a child and major as an adult, so too is learning to ride and falling off a bike. I tell Myself it's impossible to learn to ride without falling some, so the fact I chose that unfortunate route matters less, and yes, if he feels he lacks capacity to do anything I ask, he knows he should say so, and I really thought he could handle it.  It was an honest mistake. But in truth that helps not at all; I take My boy's trust and his injuries very much to heart. I pushed him too hard, I was not as patient as I intended to be. The only thing I feel good about right now is that in his pain, I gave him comfort and appropriate care.  I believed him when he reported symptoms and I have actively monitored his healing daily. I pressed him to see a doctor when the hand did not improve. I tell Myself Masters are human and will inevitably make mistakes, that what matters is taking care of the property, physically and emotionally, when something happens. It's the right answer for My intellect, but it's not very satisfying for My spirit.

I'm very proud of My boy for all his determination and hard work and his fantastic attitude to the whole challenging undertaking.  Anyone who thinks being on the boy's side of the /s slash is easy or wimpy should take a long hard look at him right now.  I've always taken My responsibilities as the Master and Dominant very seriously, but seeing him in a cast as the direct result of My wishes takes Me into new territory, and brings Me face to face with the fact I'm less patient than I like to believe, and I'm not very good at forgiving Myself. In fact, much of My success in life can probably be traced to refusing to accept My flaws and errors, and forcing Myself to be exceptionally competent. It's a standard I don't ask others to meet at the same level.

I've had only one prior experience where I felt this badly about something that happened with a boy, and that sucked too. In the end, in order to achieve some peace, I had him kneel and thank Me for the scene; describe how much he wanted it and liked submitting to Me; and I had him absolve Me of any errors, real or perceived. That boy thought it slightly silly and didn't really think I should feel so badly, but I did, and that's perhaps one of the things about being the Master that folks on the /s side don't intuit, the powerful feeling of weighty responsibility. It may be time to trot out that absolution technique again.